I CAN MOONWALK!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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