I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
