My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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