I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
