i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
