i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
