gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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