just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
