Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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