New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
