I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
