Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
