How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
