her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
