Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
