and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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