well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
third nipple confirmed
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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