I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Found your dick twin last night
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
