you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
