You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
