Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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