Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
