I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
