In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
