my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
