Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
