i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
