What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
