Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She's the barista slut.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
