he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
