Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
