Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
