Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
