Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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