just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
