there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
