Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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