did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
