i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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