youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
