she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
