holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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