separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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