My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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