____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
