Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
