the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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