I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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