So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Quick, to the slutcave!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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