no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
