when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
