apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
