3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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