There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
